Validate me, please!

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Photo by LBoatwright

Have you ever had your parking validated? Basically, in a place where you’d have to pay for parking – such as a shopping center – if you purchase a product or service therein, that store will sometimes offer to validate your parking. They stamp your parking ticket, and as you exit the garage, you no longer have to pay. In essence, you’re one of us now, so we share with you our benefit of free parking. Parking validation is a wonderful thing! On the flip side, losing your parking ticket or not having it validated can be stressful and costly.

It’s an amazingly accurate metaphor for real life. Personal validation is also a wonderful thing, the sense of belonging. It takes countless forms: people shake hands, or hold hands, hug, have meaningful conversations, get praise, get promotions – even something as seemingly insignificant as a quick “thank you” from a store clerk is a tiny affirmation: you belong.

When we are hurting, our emotional eyesight can easily become impaired. Rejection and failure are real, and they are survivable, but if our self-worth is already damaged, if we struggle with depression and negativity, setbacks such as these not only feel insurmountable – they can seem like an overwhelming condemnation of our entire person. We may be able to see the validation in the lives of others, but can no longer perceive it in our own. Losing our emotional parking ticket can leave us feeling as if we don’t even belong in our own lives. It’s a horrible place to be, and a difficult one to pull yourself out of, but it can be done.

Start by determining the source of most of your personal validation. For some, it comes from within – from their faith in a Higher Power, or from a positive self-image. For those with depressive disorders, validation is frequently sought from outside sources. We desperately want the people around us to say and do kind things which cancel out the critics in our life and in our brain.

The problem with the external approach is, although we may find somebody who validates us at first, at some point they will have a bad day or become critical. When we build our self-image on the opinions of others, that first unkind word – even if it was unintentional – can completely erase all of the previous positives in their entirety, leaving us desperate again to silence the inner critic. We begin to doubt the other person ever meant any of the nice things they said. If criticism is frequent — if a family member, friend, partner, or employer is constantly pointing out our flaws — over time we allow these to criticisms to become our truths.

Try to consider the opinions of others, whether good or bad, as “free parking” – a ticket which can be easily lost, but not a show-stopper. Remember, nobody has ever had to live in a parking garage because they lost their ticket. Likewise, you don’t have to remain lost in your own life because you’ve lost the validation of somebody else.

Spend time each day strengthening your internal validation. I mean, really give it a workout! Begin making a list of accomplishments and go back as far as you can remember. Any “A” on a school assignment, any raises or promotions, even any “thank you’s” – nothing is too small. You may be tempted to self-edit by sorting your accomplishments into buckets of “that didn’t really matter” or “it’s stupid to consider that an accomplishment.” DON’T! If you find yourself editing, recognize your brain has become wired to filter out the positives. Remind yourself the only way to fix your filter is to count every positive, no matter how small it may seem.

You can heal your brain, and you can learn to filter out unwarranted criticisms. You can get to a place in your life where, when somebody says something hurtful, you can recognize it as just a thing which was said and not a guilty verdict about who you are. It takes a lot of practice, and for many it will mean making conscious decisions throughout the day to filter out messaging which tears you down.

For every criticism you hear – whether internally or externally – remind yourself of three of your accomplishments or positive characteristics. Over time, this positive three-point counter-punch will become a habit. Your new way of thinking will allow you to be content within yourself, and to never again lose your sense of belonging.

 

 

 

3 Steps for Conquering a Phobia

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Photo by Willie Fineberg on Unsplash

Last year our little city was evacuated due to hurricane Irma, so I loaded up the car and headed west to visit family.  Thankfully, our area was spared the worst of the damage, and we were soon able to go home.  The return trip was incredibly stressful, as we were sharing the Interstate with tens of thousands of other people who were also returning to their homes along the Gulf Coast.  It took us over 13 hours to travel the last 300 miles, and although I managed to not lose my sanity, I was unaware I’d gained something along the way – Gephyrophobia – a crippling fear of bridges.

There are a lot of bridges between Florida and Texas, and some of them are quite big.  I’ve driven across them dozens of times, and even recall when going over any bridge was my favorite part of a road-trip.  But for months after Irma, crossing bridges would send me into a full-blown anxiety attack — I mean palm-sweating, heart-pounding, head-spinning panic.  I began planning out alternate routes to everywhere, sometimes going an hour or more out of the way just to avoid bridges.  Not the most practical solution when you live near water.

As luck would have it, an opportunity opened up for me to work one day a week in another county.  I jumped at the chance, but soon had regrets.  The office was on the other side of the bay, and a 3-mile bridge was the only way to get there.  Three miles doesn’t sound like much, but when it’s a three-mile panic attack, it feels like forever.  I knew if I didn’t conquer my bridge fear, it was going to seriously interfere with my life.

For a while, sheer willpower got me to the other side of each bridge, but not without the nausea and dread which accompanied each crossing.  The bridges weren’t going away, so how could I make the anxiety go instead?  After much trial and error — which included everything from controlled breathing to counting backwards from 100 — I finally landed on the three steps which successfully settled me.

  1. Ask yourself, Is This Really a Problem?

First, determine if the fear is even worth your concern.  Is it affecting your life?  For instance, most people can live a perfectly happy lifetime without ever going on a cruise, flying anywhere, or riding a roller coaster.  But, if you live in a town with a ferry, and frequently need to get from one side to another, the fear of being on a boat can be distressful and disruptive.  If a promotion at work will require you to travel outside the country, fear of flying can cost you the opportunity for advancement.  The key is determining:

  • How likely are you to encounter the thing you fear?
  • How realistic is simply avoiding it?

If your fear is getting in the way of your day-to-day living, taking a path of avoidance is probably not going to get you very far.

  1. Study up on your fear

Knowledge is power.  When I did an Internet search for “fear of bridges”, I was amazed to find how common it was.  Just knowing other people had the same phobia reassured me I wasn’t crazy.  Take some time to try and determine the root cause of your fear.  In my case, I traced it to a combination of re-watching “The Mothman Prophecies” a week before being gridlocked on a couple of very tall bridges for hours.  (SPOILER ALERT: If you’ve never seen “Mothman”, it recounts the strange, paranormal events in a small town prior to a disastrous bridge collapse.)  When I was stuck on those bridges, I caught myself staring at the steel bolts and rivets wondering, “When’s the last time you were inspected?”

Look for ideas from other people who have conquered the same fear.  I found several posts online, and although these didn’t directly resolve the issue, they did guide me in the right direction.  Most importantly, they reinforced the idea my phobia COULD be beaten.

  1. Be Patient With Yourself

I wish I could tell you conquering fear is as easy as deciding to do it, but it took me a few months.  Give yourself credit for any progress – it really matters!  If you were a little less scared this time than last time, make a note of whatever helped and pat yourself on the back.  If one tactic doesn’t work, try something else.  Keep trying until you find the method, or combination of them, which works for you.

In my case, I found listening to my Spanish lessons was extremely helpful, as it shifted the focus from the anxiety center of my brain to the problem-solving part of my brain.  Focusing directly on the car in front of me was also helpful.  My anxiety lessened with each bridge.  I knew I’d finally conquered it when I recently drove across those same big, dreaded Irma bridges – no Spanish, no staring at the car in front of me – just me listening to the radio and thinking, “Hmm, you’re not as big as I remembered…”

Incidentally, if you are also struggling with bridges, feel free to message me.  I’ll be happy to share a little more details about what I tried, what helped, and what didn’t.  I can’t promise what worked for me will work for you, but it may get you on the path to finding your own solution.